Marquette-area theaters fail to Kick Ass…

Don't bother clicking on any of the buttons on this picture... they don't work as it's just a screen capture. Oooooh! What a rascal, hey?

I munched on popcorn. I ate some Reese’s Pieces. I had some Diet Pepsi. And I was entertained the entire time I watched the just-released “Kick Ass.”

Unfortunately, I did all of that in Escanaba. For those of you who don’t know, that’s just over an hour away from where I live. No, I don’t live in the sticks (well, not compared to the sticks around these parts). I don’t have a lack of theaters in my neighborhood. In fact, between Marquette and near-by Ishpeming, I have three theaters.

Instead, I have a group of theaters that have taken it upon themselves to protect me from behavior and subject matter that, apparently, is going to have an adverse effect on my life.

Carmichael Cinemas, and whoever owns Ishpeming’s Country Cinema V, decided that they are not, and will not, be showing the movie “Kick Ass” around these parts. The reason? It wasn’t declared when I called and asked today about the lack of the show’s listing locally.

“We’re not showing it,” says the woman on the other end of the line.

“Ever?” I ask.

“I don’t think so,” she responds.

Ummmmm… OK?

So I figured instantly that there was a homosexual theme or moment to the movie. That’s Carmichael’s usual MO when it comes to their decision to not show a movie. I was right, though it was subtle and more funny than anything else. I won’t go into detail because unlike some websites out there, I don’t want to ruin it for you.

I will say this: “Kick Ass” is a kick-ass movie. It’s funny, it’s intelligent and it’s full of great moments. It’s not going to win an Oscar, unless, of course, they make a category for entertaining movies… and they’re not likely to do that with so many boring movies to vote for.

I recommend anyone who enjoys comics or superhero movies to definitely go to this show. It’s also fitting for action fans, underdog fans, comedy fans and… well, everyone. Don’t, however, bring impressionable kids. It’s violent. There are boobies. And masturbation. Oh, and a dad shoots his daughter square in the chest. But it’s a rocking moment.

I digress, however, and will get back on track regarding my rant.

It’s unfortunate that Carmichael (which owns two theaters locally) and Ishpeming’s moving-picture palace have neglected to bring this movie to Marquette-area movie-goers. I’m an adult and I should be able to decide if I want to see a movie with homosexual tendencies in it. Really, I see it all the time on television, and it’s no big deal (Note to freaks: don’t worry, everyone know it’s a crime against nature and God hates it, so don’t bother sending me emails or commenting with either bulls*** idea in mind as I don’t want to waste any brain cells on your bigotry).

I hope these theaters will overcome their homophobia and allow adults to be adults and (gasp!) make adult decisions. That way people like me (us homogay supporters, you know) don’t have to drive to Esky to see a damn good and greatly entertaining flick. I just don’t have an interest in watching “Avatar” again… sorry.

But I promise (PROMISE!) the homophobic decision makers who shunned “Kick Ass” that just because it’s a topic mentioned or played out in a movie that I’m not likely to turn and kiss my friend Shane on the lips because I watched it on the big screen (sorry, Shane… you’re sexy, but I’m more of a bear-on-bear guy).

Give it a shot. Not only will you sell tickets (gasp!) and concessions (gasp!), but you’ll entertain (gasp!) people (gasp!) and be showing a quality (gasp!) movie (gasp!) when you do.