Home > In the News, Random > Killing meat is murder (tasty, tasty murder)

Killing meat is murder (tasty, tasty murder)

Who could harm this beautiful piece of meat? Allow it to simmer free!

It’s always a tense moment when a 911 dispatcher answers the call ringing through to their station.

Will the caller be someone screaming for help on the other end of the line? Will there be a car accident, or a house on fire?

The dispatcher in south-central Indiana could not have been prepared last week for the horrors that awaited them as they answered a frantic 911 call.

“We have a gentleman here cutting into the meat and throwing it onto the floor,” said the caller.

The phone was ringing on another line.

“Got a man with a knife who’s doing things,” said that caller.

The “things” the man was doing were horrendous. He committed what Edinburgh, Indiana police described a meat massacre.

When the cops showed up on the scene at the Jay C Food Store, they found defenseless cuts of meat strewn crazily about.

A 28-year-old man by the name of Anthony Coffman unsheathed his hunting knife as he entered the grocery store. He marched to the meat aisle, slicing at the packaging and tossing the raw beef onto the floor. To make sure it wasn’t to be sold to an unsuspecting customer, he ripped open a bag of dog food and poured it over some of the meat.

When an employee approached him to stop the meat murder, he turned the knife toward them. No one, it appeared, would be able to stop this senseless violence.

Coffman tried to escape the area, but employees tackled him outside the store and held him until the police arrive. The cops then made the arrest without incident, though the meat couldn’t be saved despite some courageous efforts.

When police questioned the man, he openly admitted that he is a vegetarian and that it upsets him when others eat beef. God, apparently, had sent him to ruin the meat.

His cause was noble though. He was trying to save little girls from food he believes would make them (gasp!) chubby.

“He thought if he could save one chubby girl, he’s done his job,” said a police detective.

What prompted the act was an argument with his grandmother about her decision to cook a pot roast. This upset him to the point that a few hours later he was committing meaticide.

Coffman was transported, according to reports, to a hospital for a mental evaluation. He faces charges of criminal recklessness with a deadly weapon as well as criminal mischief and disorderly conduct.

But what about the meat and the families who loved it? More than $200 worth of beef was destroyed by this maniac.

Who will weep for the beef? What will happen to the veal that was left all alone?

Today, when I consume double my normal intake of meat, it will be in memory of the New York strips and the Porterhouses that were lost in this tragic incident.

Meat, unlike the War of 1812 and the brontosaurus and the planet Pluto, you will never be forgotten. Ever.

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  1. Elisa Kutcher
    March 30, 2010 at 2:32 am

    I think it’s nice I go and stab some vegetables for vengence! How dare people consume vegetables?! It’s against my personal beliefs!!! Everyone should listen to me, because I AM THE ONLY RIGHT ONE!

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