Home > Movies > The Pianist versus the Predator

The Pianist versus the Predator

I’m flabbergasted on several levels this morning.

First, there are some brilliant minds who have been sitting around a table somewhere in Hollywood, sipping at bottled sparkling water and admiring each other’s fake tans and shimmering bleached teeth that have come up with the great idea of making yet another Predator movie. While it should come as no surprise to me that such genius exists in that corner of the universe, I just don’t understand how they convinced anyone to financially back a franchise that has made two, gigantic, steaming turd movies as their third and fourth installments.

I’m the first to say that I loved the original Predator flick. Arnold was the prototypical action hero who had bulging muscles and a tenacity for survival. The Predator was a bad-ass from another planet who got his jollies hunting people just like that. It was a match made in heaven and even had that beautiful “You’re one ugly mother fu%#er!” moment. If you’ve never seen Predator but don’t feel as though you have the time to watch it, you can see it in 60 seconds here.

The second Predator movie wasn’t nearly as memorable. While Danny Glover is always classic, the story and the action just wasn’t up to snuff with the first. During that time period in particular, it was a given a sequel just couldn’t hold water compared to the original (a few exceptions, I’ll admit). This was just kind of expected.

And then along came the craptastic Aliens vs. Predator. This movies was everything you hoped it wouldn’t be, retarded being one of them. The only way they could have made this movie suck anymore than it did would be to either set it in a courtroom and have it be a movie about Aliens suing the Predator, or make the viewer eat Rocky Mountain Oysters while a child-abusing priest whispers in their ear about the fact that they’re not oysters at all.

And as though to show you that making money will never be as important as making bad movies, Hollywood came out with a SEQUEL to AvP. I’ll admit that this one, called Requiem, wasn’t nearly as horrific as the first one–but that wasn’t hard to accomplish. In fact, I watched a YouTube video with a dung beetle pushing a giant piece of feces and it was better than the first AvP. True story.

So while the horse lay dead on the side of the entertainment highway, a bunch of people got together and started kicking at some point last year. They came up with the idea to make yet ANOTHER movie based on the Predator franchise. This one, called Predators, is slated for a July release this year.

The basis is this: A bunch of bad-ass mercenaries all get abducted and end up on a gaming reserve planet where a bunch of Predators are hunting them. And my second level of flabbergast comes from who will be leading this crew of misfits: Adrien Brody. Hold on, I’ll repeat that: Adrien Brody. You know, the guy from The Pianist. That skinny guy. That dorky little human. He kind of looks like something Arnold might have squeezed out after a few days of too much cheese and not enough fiber? Yeah, him.

So not only is Hollywood going to make a movie that will likely make you want to slam your face in your car door, but it’s going to put a never-been action star in the leading role. Supporting him is an overweight Laurence Fishburne, who looks like he’s been eating too many of those red pills he offered Neo so long ago. Throw in there a Japanese gangster with a katana, the ever-aging Danny Trejo and that guy with capped teeth from the television series The Shield (no, not Michael Chiklis… he’s probably make this little joke somewhat more serious).

I don’t have a lot of confidence in this cast beating a Little League team, let alone a Predator. But, wait! There’s more! Really (I’m sorry!). Not only will they be fighting against a Predator like the one that killed Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura in the original flick, they’re going to be fighting a whole slew of them! Yes! At least a dozen from what I’ve seen in the trailer.

Frankly, Adrien Brody wouldn’t make it 10 minutes fighting a wet sock, let alone something that carries an arsenal and collects skulls for a living.

So while a great big gob of movies that will likely make money are hitting the theaters this summer (Iron Man 2, The Losers, Kick-Ass, etc), the movie Predators will be out to see just who has far too much money or still lives in a fairy tale world where heaping mounds of  festering garbage can be turned into rainbows and butterflies.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of hope the Predators in this movie kill the entire cast and then systematically make their way through the idiots who decided this was a good idea. It would be the only positive thing that could come from this.

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  1. Bakerman
    March 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    My instincts tell me not to get my hopes up, but the young kid in me still hopes that it will be a fraction better than the last movie they put out.

    • seggleston
      March 22, 2010 at 5:44 pm

      Hey, I am right there with you. I guessed Terminator Salvation wasn’t going to be much and it ended up being pretty cool. I guess we’ll see…

  2. Me
    March 22, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    He kind of looks like something Arnold might have squeezed out after a few days of too much cheese and not enough fiber? Yeah, him. … PRICELESS!

  3. Kim
    March 23, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Hehe… I read that line and said wow, Sam, that’s gross! Glad someone else shares his sense of humor…even if it is my friend!

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